Merry Christmas, everybody!

I'm going home this morning to my hometown!

Have a Wonderful Christmas!

A Broken Heart Can't be That Bad

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
It wasn't that bad, actually. Although you'd always feel the same whenever you experience it. The shock, the hurt, the unanswered questions, the tears...oh those gloomy days of mine! I'm so glad it has over now. I have to admit it wasn't easy to just throw out things that was once a part of you. I tried to find people who have gone through this and hoped to learn from them. I browsed xanga mostly. And I found that some people have been in worst situations than mine. Some just couldn't get out of the bed every morning because the thought of breaking up is killing them. Some thought of committing suicide. Some just kept on feeling devastated. But they all came to one point: that they think they have to stop this and moving on with their lives. Having known the people who have gone through this and how they tried to move on as each day goes by, trying to pick up the pieces and be a new person they can be, made you feel that you were not alone in dealing with this. So I moved to the next step: how to not to think of him. Because you know the thought kills. I tried to find ways to make me forget him:
I asked for some girls opinion and they gave me the Cosmo-magz-knows-it-best answer, which I think it's such a bullshit. Cosmo never works for me. In fact, I think Cosmo knows nothing. Next, please.
Eating? Some girls just binge whenever the thought of it comes but I didn't think it'd work for me. Next, please!
Shop till you drop? Oh no, this one is just pathetic. It won't help. You shopped, you went broke, and you still got the heartache. Next!
Cut your hair, dye it, bleach it, whatever! Make yourself 'new'! It won't work for me, either. It's just that you think by cutting you hair for few inches and then suddenly the memories of him has been erased from your mind. What a lame. Next!!
....in the end, I ran out of Next, please!
Then came the days of sleepless nights, the silent cry in the nights, the questions "Why, God?", and the emotions that went up and down (tell ya, worst than PMS). I thought I was doing fine, that it was a phase I had to go through and eventually, I'd be 'normal' again. But I was wrong. My friends started to look at me differently, they felt I had changed and they missed the old me.
So I took the short cut to heal myself. Instead of finding the solution from the outside, I looked from the inside. And at that moment I stopped thinking of him. I started to think of me. Instead of trying to find ways to forget him I tried to find the real me. And I have found her, the one I want to be. Instead of dwelling in the sadness I decided to put all my energy in my seminar, my papers, my thesis and they all helped me to find the person I am today. At least I look at myself differently now. And I know I can be strong whenever the same thing happens again. I find the assurance in myself. I got up and left the pieces behind me. I won't be needing those anymore.
Anyway, being single ROCKS!

Is Jessica Simpson really a dumb girl?

Or she just plays it dumb?

Does she think that her dumbness (if she really is dumb) sells?

Happy Birthday, You're Aging Now

Me: Your birthday is coming
Friend: I know! Don't remind me of that! Gosh, I'm old!!!
Me: What's so wrong with getting old?
A lot of people always remark this, 'gosh I'm old' just because the numbers of their age have changed. X + 1 = OLD. A dreadful formula. I don't think there's any wrong with being old and aging. It's a process everybody must go through in her life. But nowadays, in our society, the word 'aging' is such a dread for them. I know lots of people hate to see those wrinkles on their face, but why don't you let those anti-wrinkle creams produced by those giant cosmetic companies do their job, although, to tell you the truth, they can't really erase your wrinkles and that means they can't really erase your worries either. Let's talk about the fear that even anti-wrinkle creams can't solve it for you. The fact that you, despite all those creams, will get old, someday. The fact of seeing that wrinkles scares you, so you run for botox, because you think it can help you. You run away from the fact that everybody gets old as years go by.
Isn't it such a vain, to run away from reality, to think that botox can save you? (your age) + 1 is not about looking less attactive because of the wrinkles you have, it's about being mature, loving the the ups and downs in your life and most of all being the real person you want to be. I don't know about other people, but I myself always think that the best that you can do in dealing with this is to age gracefully. I guess I don't have that much vanity. As Nicole Kidman said about her turning 40 in a few years,"You can fight things in life, or you can move into them with grace."
Finally, after giving him a session full of yapping, he gave in and said : I promise to age gracefully.
And he turns 23 today. Happy birthday, you're aging now. Enjoy!

Does she look like...someone you know?

I often heard this from someone I've just met.
"I have a classmate who looks like u..sure u're not in my school?"
"You know, you look like someone I know..."
"Gosh, you look just like my friend!"
"Are you one of my students? I got one who looks just like you."
"I think we've met before. Your face looks familiar to me."
I swear, I often heard it from people that it made me wonder 'Do you? Does she? What does she lool like, actually?" cos I'd like to know. First, you might thought that it was some pick up lines to break the ice so that converstation can go smooth, but I often heard it from women.... I've heard it more than 20 times and it still surprises me!
I wonder if there's really someone who looks just like you. And what would you do if one day you bump into each other...wouldn't it be weird? But, if it ever happens to me at least it has proven the words people always say to me...that there is someone who looks just like me, and I, this 'someone else's twin' would be glad to meet someone who looks just like her, other than her own sister.
Just a curiosity. *wink*

Hi-Fi

Some women take pleasure in having affairs with someone else's husbands and (good grief!) they still proud of it. I will only discuss about the women, because I can never know the exact reason a husband can be unfaithful to his wife. Perhaps men know the reason why husbands cheat on their wifes, and women can only guess. So, back to the topic, some women are proud of it, as if they had won some competition to know who's good and who's not. But why must some proud of it? And why some still want to tell the wife about it? And in the end, if a wife has to encounter such situation, would she give her family up? God only knows whether the woman tells lies or the truth.

There is a story that Marilyn Monroe once called Mrs. Kennedy in the White House to tell her she was having an affair with the president. Supposedly Marilyn asked what Jackie thought about the possibility of Marilyn marrying Kennedy, and the response was: "Marilyn, you'll marry Jack, that's great, and you'll move into the White House and you'll assume the responsibilities of first lady, and I'll move out and you'll have all the problems." And this is what Victoria Beckham said when she found out that her former beauty therapist told the media that she slept with her husband twice when Vic left to England : "I'm going to destroy that ugly, lying cow for what she’s done to me and my family. I’m sick and tired of people trying to make money out of us. That girl is going to get what’s coming to her – I’ll bring her down." I'll bring her down? That's what she calls GIRL POWER =p
Their reactions may differ, but I know they all want for the same thing.

It takes a strong woman to save her marriage & her family.

Women are Complicated?

Some guys just could never understand....

I just can't believe it when I see Kate Winslet on the cover of Bazaar this October. Look how different she is! She's slim and toned and svelte! Where has the old Kate gone? I like her a lot when she played in Titanic and gained weight and still proud of her body. I love that self-esteem and self-appreciation like "This is me and I'm real." The whole attitute of 'I don't care with myself being called fat by people as long as I'm healthy.' makes other people think that there is another thing that you should really care for instead of having a skinny body. And now, being slim and happy she is, she admits in Bazaar that the biggest fashion mistake she ever made is when she attented Golden Globe awards in 1998 and wearing a dress which made her look 'bad'. She says," I remember everyone saying, 'Oh, it looks great, and your figure looks amazing.' And I didn't look amazing at all. They should have put me in a tent - I'd be better off." ? I think she looked great in that green dress. And I thought she was happy having that body at that time?
I think Winslet is just an example that every now and then women hate being fat. It's like a disease for us all. And it happens to every woman in every shapes. Even the skinniest ones starve themselves. She is her own critic to her own body. I don't like it when I see a woman starving herself (especially the skinny one!), skipping breakfast and dinner and only have lettuce for her lunch or only eat 1/4 portion of her meal and later shove it to her boyfriend. I just don't understand those skinny women who absolutely aware that they have the body most women envy but still wanting (and starving) to have the body of those models in glossy magazines. Uh, hello? They don't even have boobs! Except for Giselle Bundchen or Fernanda Tavares.
The point is that, no matter what shape you have, as long as you're in good health, that's the most important. I don't believe in diets. I would rather doing exercises to shed some pounds than starving myself and then pass out on my way to campus. I know sometimes it's hard for some women to love her own body, most of us prefer to whine about it. But when you learn to love it, people will begin to look at you in different way and believe me, would it be great to have a healthy body instead of slim but weak one?
So don't judge yourself too hard and start going to the gym now!

A Fortune Teller Told My Mum

Today when I was ironing my shirts (ideas often come up in those odd moments) I realized how people just love asking fortune-tellers about their future. I don't believe in fortune-telling although some people still go to fortune-tellers to 'consult' sometimes. I'm talking about those fortune-tellers who use cards, books, etc to see your future. The birth of a child, the death of someone, business, marriage, career, love and many more. In fact, you can ask EVERYTHING!
My mum once went to one. I have no idea what drove her to do that. I myself really against her going to a fortune teller and I against her more when I found out that she was asking about my future to that fortune teller! Not only my future but it was also about my past. Some reincarnation. And what did my mum ask about? "I'd love to know about her love life." What?! You can't just believe in this thing. I always doubt the accuracy.
Sometimes I wonder, are what their sayings true? Are they really gifted to see someone else's future? When you go to a fortune-teller and he/she tells you about your future and when his/her prediction is right and it does happen to you one day, will you still believe in fortune-teller? My friends has gone to many fortune-tellers and some of them did say the same thing, but some said the contradicts. Which one to believe? It's up to her, which sayings would she like to believe? For me, going to fortune-teller is useless, when it's good, you keep hoping for it to happen, when it's bad, it haunts you forever. The reason why I don't believe in fortune-tellers is it's God and God only who knows what my future is like. And besides, your life is not written in a book, or cards, or some crystal balls. One thing for sure, if you ever go there, it could change the way you see your life, right at that moment when the fortune-teller finishes his/her sentences.

Women just love shopping. And it has been proven. Shopping may makes them expert in some kind of ways, like my mum she's an expert in haggling. I could never understand the knowledge she has in setting the right price and haggling and haggling and haggling until finally the seller sighs and says,"Okay, go take it." She seems to know the real price. Is it some trick she knows? Some charms she has? Whatever it is, I consider it a skill most women have but me. I can't haggle. This skill which I don't posses has put me in difficult moments when I have to make a decision for the good of the seller and me (and my wallet). The rule is that you set lower price, at least 50% lower from normal price, believe me I have tried all the tricks, I've watched how my mum did it, but I'll always be the defeated one. You know the feeling of buying something cheap (or at least that's what you think) until somebody hurt you with her words saying,"I have that too, but it costs less than yours. (yay!)" (that happens to mum) or when you're in a situation where you just want it desperately but the shop owner thinks "You gotta be kidding!" with the price you set (this happens to me).
My opinion is that you give me the price and I'll give you my decision. If I think I can afford it, I'll take it. But if I think it's too expensive or cost exceeds benefit then forget about it. This tug-o-war kind of thing is really not my game. I am a Leo and I've met the other Leos who think the same way too! At last, I find a proof that astrological sign does tell you some truth ;p
Maybe...some women are just born with it. What about women who were born without it? Answer : They can go to shops that hang the SALE sign. For less-skillful ones like me, that's pretty fair.

"What should you do so that you can become a faithful person?"
"You don't do anything. Faith itself will come to you. Faith is already in you, but your conceit heart won't let you admit that you have it, you ask too many questions, you make simple things look difficult. The fact is that, you're just too afraid. You have to believe, then what is meant to come will come to you eventually."
-the conversation of a grandma and a priest-
Va' dove ti porta il cuore (Follow Your Heart) by Susanna Tamaro

Don’t compromise yourself. YOU are all you’ve got.

-Janis Joplin

It's a Singing Contest!!!

So the final of Indonesian Idol is tonight, the day (almost) everyone has been hoping for to see the (true) winner. There's a lot of controversy on the first Idol ever held in here. Mostly is about one of the finalists, Delon. With his cute face and mediocre voice he has become an idol. Lots of people hate him, lots of people like him. But, everybody, listen up, THIS IS A SINGING CONTEST!!! Everybody shouldn't be subjective in this. You should choose your idol according to her/his voice, not her/his face. Talent should never outrank face. But sadly, people in here always choose the winner subjectively. Look at Veri, he was chosen as the winner of Akademi Fantasi Indosiar just because he comes from a poor family. And I'm afraid it will happen again to the Idol contest. I don't fancy Delon and Joy so I won't send any sms or dial the premium call number. I fancy Helena, but she didn't make it to the grand final. Joy has the talent, Delon has the face and I can see that everybody puts lots of pressure on him because of that. I read my friendster bulletin and found out that they hate him because they think he can't sing and that he gets to the grand final with the help of his good-looking face. One guy even wrote : 'He doesn't have a beautiful voice and only chicks vote for him, how could they fall for his chinese face? and this guy wrote again in bracket: (I'm being racist, but who cares?). And I read another stupid comment : If Delon gets to be the winner, Indonesia will be in a riot. Tsk tsk tsk, how exaggerating. What a drama.
Never mind with his face! This is a singing contest, one should not hate/like him because he's cute. It's not his fault if he's born chinese and cute. I don't know who's going to be the winner and I can't predict who but I do hope that people don't choose their own winner subjectively, besides it's a singing contest. You should choose objectively based on the finalists' talent, not for her/his looks. Let the best one win. I hope everybody learn this.

Love is...

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6
"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love but God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - age 8
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore," Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eye lashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget," Jessica - age 8

Wow! Isn't it amazing how little kids think about love so purely? Their opinions about love are so cute.

When a girl meets boy
Life can be a joy,
But the note they end on will depend on little pleasures they will share
So let us compare
I like New York in June, how about you?
I like a Gershwin tune, how about you?
I love a fireside when a storm is due.
I like potato chips, moonlight and motor trips, how about you?
I'm mad about good books, can't get my fill
And Franklin Roosevelt's looks give me a thrill
Holding hands at the movie show when all the lights are low may not be new, but I like it
How about you?
-Judy Garland-

Hush

"When you're in Rome live in the Roman style; when you're elsewhere live as they live elsewhere." ~ Advice to St. Augustine from St. Ambrose, A.D 340-397
I read from the newspaper today, a foregin journalist is in Athens for the Olympics games and one day he is visiting Benaki Museum. At the museum he is often disturbed by the sound of ringing cell phone from other visitors. Ring Ring Ring says the cell phone. The owner of the cell phone becomes aware that her cell phone is ringing. Ring Ring Ring says the cell phone. She slowly opens the zipper of her bag. Ring Ring Ring says the cell phone. She rummages through her bag looking for the ringing thing. Another Ring Ring Ring says the cell phone. Finally, she reaches for the cell phone. Do you still need another ring? Ring Ring Ring says the cell phone. She presses the button and starts to talk. The journalist thinks, 'Pheew, at last! I don't have to hear another ringing sound anymore.' Bad news for him because the woman talks in a very loud voice and it disturbes him again. He can't understand why some people have to make such noises in such public places where everything should be done quietly. When the woman stops talking, it is another man's turn and he talks loudly and everybody, everybody can hear what he's talking about. Then the journalist remembers the words St. Ambrose said to St. Augustine and thinks, yeah maybe it's ok for people in here to make such noises in the museums.
But what about in the library? We all know that thou shalt not speak loudly in the library. Even little kids know that. In movies I often see people whisper in the library and even the sound of laughters are soon followed by "HUSH!" And such condition that I want UNPAR library to have. I like the library but not the visitors. I mean, hey come on, you all are grown ups and you still don't know the rule in the library? Once a guy's cell phone was ringing and he picked it up and answered,"I'm in the library. IN THE LIBRARY!!" Good grief, you don't shout in the library! When I go there I always make sure that find a seat in a place where no one is around. Or I try to look for architecture or civil engineering students. They all seem quiet and serious, the type of people I want to be around when I'm in a library. So one day, I found a perfect spot. An architecture student was reading his book and no one had taken the seat in front of him so I went there. Few minutes later, he left! And his place was replaced by some girls who couldn't even shut up. So I got off my chair and started to looking for new place to read my book. I found one and in front of me sat a girl I know, or as far as I know I think she's a quiet one. 10 minutes later her friend came and they began to involve in such a hilarious chat. There's no 'safe' place for me in UNPAR library.
Face the fact, maybe long before we have this modern libary, St. Ambrose already knew that his words would always outrank library's rules.

"Well, I got really angry and just gave her a slap. But she knows, I mean she deserved it."

NO, it's a CRIME.

Vox Poppuli Vox Dei

The Voice of People is the Voice of God goes the saying of the title. Living in a country which its 20 millions citizens went to vote for the new president on 5th July made me feel excited and anxious on that day. Excited, cos it was my first time. We vote every 5 years and 5 years ago I hadn't reached 17 yet so I couldn't vote. Anxious...cos I really want the future president brings a bright future for this country, the people are so tired of living in poverty, collusion, corruption and nepotism in the goverment, and conflicts. Yes, I'm worried that the future president will lead this country to another disaster again. I'm sick of conflicts, I'm sick of racism. There are rumours everywhere about the nominees and you know you have to be wise in this. I'm a minority in here, but that doesn't mean that I'm being ignorant. No, I'm not. I always want the best for this country. Being a minority makes you want to protect yourself and you become very careful in choosing the new president. Somehow, deep inside your heart, you don't want to be hated, you don't want the riot on May 1998 to happen again. It's a natural thing for human to choose something that will bring the benefit for her/himself. The time for choosing the new president is like a gambling game. You may never know the result until the dice stops spinning. You look, and you wait, and from the moment you see the result, you'll never stop hoping for the good things. Will everything be okay? Will we live in prosperity like the way we used to be? The life of 20 millions people in the hand of one person. Whoever you are oh our president, may you're blessed by God, may you'll be the one chosen by God for us. Whoever you are, you better make it good.

No Regrets

This has always been on my mind, and the story sums it all.
The Warrior knows an old saying : "If regrets could kill."
And he knows that regrets can kill; they slowly eat away at the soul of someone who has done something wrong and they lead eventually to self-destruction. The Warrior does not want to die like that. When he acts perversely or maliciously - because he is a man of many faults - he is never too ashamed to ask forgiveness. If possible, he does his best to repair the wrong he has done. If the injured party is dead, then he does some good turn to a stranger and offers up that deed to the soul that he wounded. A Warrior of the Light has no regrets, because regrets can kill. He humbles himself and undoes the wrong he has done.
Paulo Coelho's The Warrior of The Light

Remember

Fate isn’t kind to lovers
Time isn’t kind to lovers
It breaks the hardest heart
Promise me you’ll remember how good we are
Why do I find sadness under your sweet kiss?
Destiny seems to whisper it won’t stay like this
Whenever we’re together I feel time standing still
I only know I love you and I’ll always will
If we should lose each other
Somewhere inside the door
Promise me you’ll remember how good we are
Promise Me You’ll Remember (How Good We Are) by Harry Connick Jr.
Somehow it reminds me that as time goes by, people will forget all bad memories in their previous relationships. Or rather, the hurt is no longer there. Just good memories worth to be remembered. Well, people love to remember good things only and usually they don't want to be reminded of bad relationships. I think it's good for people to just remember about the good old days and forget about bad memories of the past. There's no use of thinking of bad memories when the person is no longer has a place in your heart.

Todo Sobre Mi Madre

Everyone has lovely and sad stories about their relationship with their mums. I'm not close to my mum although I tell her everything, I still think that it's what a child should do, to talk to her, to keep in touch. I used to always had a hard time with my mum. During my adolescence time we'd have endless arguments and raws and we wouldn't talk to each other for days until my father came as the one who begged us not to keep this 'silent war' anymore. But usually, it was me who raised the white flag first. I just couldn't stand her ignoring me! Me and my mum are stubborn, it's obvious that I inherit that from her. I always think leaving home brings a good thing into our relationship : We stop arguing. Because I'm not close to my mum, I wonder what it is like. Ever since I was a child she was always against what I want. I still remember the sadness and disappointment I felt when she said NO to ballet and piano lessons I wanted to take. I think ballet and piano lessons are good to develop child's creativity and sense of art. Instead of letting my parents tell me what lessons I should take, I told them what I thought good for myself. But my mum never thought that it was for the benefit of myself. Could she rejected it for the benefit of herself? I could only wonder... Until now, she still thinks she knows what's best for me. And I still try my best to make her understand that what I really want is going to bring me some good. Maybe she's being (too) protective. I know she means good, but somehow it's you yourself who knows what's best for you. When I told her I wanted to learn Dutch she against it at first. It's only after I told her, "Mum, I'm going to be the only person in our big family who could speak Dutch, aren't you going to be proud of that?" then she said OK. It's true, I want her to be proud of me, I want it so bad. Although I can't understand her and I'm sure she doesn't understand me well either, I still love her. It's never easy being a mum, that's what I have to understand. She may be hard to please or nags about useless things but she's loving and caring, cooks delicious food, says a lot of "No" to me, etc, etc, etc, but most of all, she's my mum. I only know one mum and I couldn't ask for more.

Thank You

I want to say thank you to all my friends who were there for me during my darkest time and for encouraging me not to give up easily, to inspire me, to make me back on my feet again, thank you thank you so much for all those wonderful encouragements you all gave to me. Maudy, Kimberly, Nita, Ici, Dave and Jamur thanks for making me feel that I'm loved. I love you all too :) Anyways, I just want to tell that I'm fine right now, I'm not sad anymore thanks to you all and that I learnt one important thing today. It's not to give up hoping and believing that God will always help you. During my darkest time I had doubts on Him but I tried to get rid of it and today it has proven to me that it's so beautiful to put your hopes on God cos I thought I was falling but I wasn't cos for all these time He's still holding me. I screwed up my finance exam, coming out of the exam room I kept thinking that I might get D. I've known all my exam result but this one. And today when I look at the result I jumped for joy! I got B! At the moment when I felt He had left me, it turned out that He never go anywhere. "When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." I'm so blessed to have Him and to have all of you as my friends! THANK YOU SO MUCH. So what if it takes me another year to graduate? I shall not be afraid, right?

The Long and Winding Road

I'm whining, everyone. You know that you can't see your future, it's the same as you don't always get what you want. With lots of thing that have happened to me lately I wonder what is God's plan for me. I always face difficulties in having things I want. Even a good GPA. But I can't blame Him because I always believe that 'you're going to reap just what you sow.' Nice words, eh? Try to say it by singing it like Lou Reed. You're going to reap just what you sow. Okay. But if I've always tried harder and always fail, then something must have been wrong! What's wrong with me? Why I can't always get what I want? All of my life I've tried to make my parents proud of me and till this day I still fail to do that. All of my life I've tried to be proud of myself but it is always disappointment that I feel for myself. They say wishes do come true...I do believe in that. I just can't believe that I always fail to fulfil my dream. Most of my friends are doing their final year assignment but I still haven't start my seminar yet. Most of my friends got permanent jobs already and I'm still left here dreaming about my future job, thinking and worrying about my future. It's just...sad...to know that you can't have what you always want, even though it's for your own good. I know it's just a phase that I have to go through everytime I fail to achieve what I really want. I'll get over it and start all over again. But I do often wonder, how far is the road I have to take?

Thicker than Water

I watched Godfather today. Blimey, that movie is a long one, I almost got bored in certain parts! But I like that movie, it shows the strong bond between family members. When I was a teenager I hung out with my friends a lot and my mother didn't like it, she said I should have spent my time with my family instead of hanging out with friends all the time. I used to ignore this, it was later that I realized that friends may come and go, but your family sticks with you for always. When you're not loved by anybody in this world, your family would still guarantee you that you're loved by them. Being raised in a big chinese family has taught me a lot of things. The important ones are : I must have beautiful manners, because well-mannered girl is the result of good upbringing from a good family. Except for God, you should put your family above all else. Don't bring shame on your family, that's what my parents always tell me. You can do anything you want, just don't ever make your family 'the talk of the town'. And another important thing is from my favorite line in Godfather : "You don't take sides against your own family." Love your family although you can't choose yours.

Tuesday Lobsang Rampa, a Tibetan Lama says in his book The Third Eye : "There are some foreigners who mock us because they’re blinded by their own beliefs and can’t see other’s belief from different views. Some people even called us ‘evil’ because our teachings are different to theirs." He made a point. 20 years later after this book was published, people still judge other's belief as something bad or evil, and think that their belief is something superior. There's nothing wrong with being proud of your belief but one has to look that he/she doesn't live alone in this world and other people may have different belief to he/she. It's called toleration. Since I was a child I've been taught about toleration between believers. And growing up, it helps me to appreciate other people's belief in today's world with its wars and issues between countries, between races, and between religions. Other's beliefs are different to yours, you know that clearly so you shall not use your belief to make other beliefs as something evil. You can't look at someone else's belief from your own perspective, you can't judge them based on your belief. Some may seem strange to you, like Buddhism, they believe in gods and reincarnation that we Christian don't but their beliefs are not for you to judge. When I am faced with the teachings of different religions to mine, I restraint myself from mocking them and try to appreciate them. Though I may not understand other believers' beliefs and teachings, I understand the importance of toleration and respect. You may have different opinion, you may not like it, but you can't go around telling people about it.

Everytime it Rains...

I think I’m being sentimental right now. You know that there are things that remind you of someone or precious memories you once had. It could be a song, a movie, a book by certain author, the smell of cheap or expensive perfume, anything! For me, it’s always the rain that reminds me of him. He likes it when it rains. He loves walking in the rain, getting wet, and he doesn’t care whether he’d catch cold or not. He just loves it. "It’s like walking in a giant tub, too bad it’s forbidden to walk in the rain naked", he once said. I’m in my hometown now for my summer break and I went to a café overlooking a golf field with my friends days ago. It was raining when we were there and oh it was so beautiful to see the rain pouring down the golf field. I could see every drop of it. And I thought of him, knowing that he likes rain so much. It rains a lot in here and the feeling of missing him grows stronger and stronger every day. I wish one day, I could share the moment of walking in the rain with him. Tell me, how are you doing, my old friend?

Turn, Turn, Turn

There is a time for everything
A time to be born and a time to die
A time to plant and a time to uproot
A time to kill and a time to heal
A time to tear down and a time to build
A time to weep and a time to laugh
A time to mourn and a time to dance
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
A time to embrace and a time to refrain
A time to search and a time to give up
A time to keep and a time to throw away
A time to tear and a time to mend
A time to be silent and a time to speak
A time to love and a time to hate
A time for war and a time for peace
What profit is there for a man from all his toils?
Finally, I considered the task GOD gave to the humans. He made everything fitting in its time, but he also set eternity in their hearts, although man is not able to embrace the work of God from the beginning to the end.

inspired by a song by The Byrds, which is adapted from The Book of Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

The Trouble With Love is

I’ve never found a song so true like this one. It’s Kelly Clarkson’s 'The Trouble with Love Is' from Love Actually movie soundtrack, check out the lyrics :
Love can be a many splendored thing Can't deny the joy it brings A dozen roses Diamond rings Dreams for sale And fairy tales It’ll make you hear a symphony And you just want the world to see But like a drug that makes you blind It’ll fool you every time
LOOOOVVVEEEEE what a word, eh? It's the only thing that makes you forget everything and the only thing that keeps appearing on your mind is the face of the person you fall in love with. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't study! cos he's always on my mind. I couldn't wait to see him, I couldn't wait for the day to go by so I could see his loving face, talk to him and feel his warm embrace.
Now I was a once a fool it’s true I played the game by all the rules But now my world’s a deeper blue I’m sadder but I’m wiser too I swore I’d never love again I swore my heart would never mend Said love wasn’t worth the pain But then I hear it call my name
When love is calling, no matter how shattered you are, you pick up your broken pieces on the floor and rush to where it calls you. Because you know, you need it no matter how many times your heart've been broken, no matter how many tears you cry. As love comes and goes, you grow wiser and you keep searching for a better love because you know, you're don't deserve to experience the hurt you had in your past relationship. Anymore.
Every time I turn around I think I’ve got it all figured out My heart keeps callin And I keep on fallin Over and over again This sad story always ends the same Me standin' in the pouring rain It seems no matter what I do It tears my heart in two
I have a friend who is hurt by the girls he loved. He couldn’t believe in love and loving, but I told him, love deserves all the risks you face in having it, in maintaining it, and when you lose it one day why should you be afraid that you won’t feel how to love again? It's something that you can't escape from because deep down inside, although you feel that you'd never love again, eventually you would surrender to the beauty of it. Nobody should ever stop loving and you can never stop yourself from loving someone and being loved. You know the risk and whatever hurt it brings, you know it would never stop you.
The trouble with love is It can tear you up inside Make your heart believe a lie It's stronger then your pride The trouble with love is It doesn’t care how fast you fall And you can’t refuse the call See you’ve got no say at all
Stronger that your pride, yup, that's love. Love, according to Deep Purple, conquers all. Love, according to Eagles, keeps you alive even when you’re hungry (no matter how nonsense the lyrics is). Love, according to Wet Wet Wet, is all around you. Love plays an important role in life, you just can't run away from that. Without it, life has no meaning. The most deadly thing in the world is when someone feels that he/she’s not loved by anybody. No matter how hard it is to find someone you love, no matter how sad it is to have an unrequited love, no matter how hurt you feel inside when your heart is broken, don’t ever be afraid in loving. Fall in and out of love. Never give up loving, cos love is the most beautiful thing in the world and you deserve to have it, you deserve to be loved. Love and you’ll be loved in return. After all, LOVE, according to the Beatles, is all you need. And you know it's true.

Fate and Luck

"I don't think the world is something created coincidentally, Hans Thomas." "Aku tak berpikir bahwa dunia merupakan sebuah hal yang kebetulan, Hans Thomas." ~The Solitaire Mystery
"I think luck is the main factor that counts the most to someone's success." Norah Jones
I was reading The Solitaire Mystery by Jostein Gaarder and the sentences made me stopped reading and thought that, everything in this world happens for a reason. Norah Jones' words made me pull a face. I met a friend who got the highest mark for his mid-test and said that it was a beginner’s luck. He thinks just like what Jones does. Why wouldn’t they think that all the achievement they got is because they work hard on it? He must have studied hard, that’s why he deserved to have the highest mark. Why wouldn’t he think like that? I feel that I have a different point of view with them. Luck and fate, they’re different. Some people still believe that luck plays an important role in their lives. Jones may believe in luck, but I don't. I don't even believe all things that goes along with it too, e.g lucky charm. I don't believe that luck is responsible for what happens to me. Things I achieved is determined by my efforts, my ability. I believe in fate, things that happened to me are fated to happen. Everything that happens in this world is meant to happen. For example, there is this British who placed all his savings on a roulette game and won. Now, would you think it’s just luck or he’s meant to win? Some ppl may find it confusing to differentiate between luck and fate but I think luck doesn't play any roles in my life. When I was accepted at UNPAR, some ppl often said,'Oh you're so lucky to be accepted, I heard the bar exam is a killer.' The bar exam is a killer but I think I deserve to be accepted, I've worked so hard on it. It meant to happen to me. You can’t say things that you don’t have because you’re out of luck. You don’t have it because it’s not meant to happen to you. Cherish the things you have, for you deserve to have it and whatever things that don’t come to your want, you need to know that it’s meant for your own good. Someone once said this to me,”I’m grateful to the things God has given me, and for the things I lost, I never had regrets on it. Instead, I’m grateful I had it, for Lord gave me the chance to have it, even if it only happened for such short period of time.”Be grateful for the things you have, things you lost, and things you don’t have.

The Entertainers

I got this from someone's xanga. This is the advice her mum gave her : READ. Read books, essays, magazines, newspapers. You need to understand the meaning of life, the challenges everyone faces in their lives. TV is the worst influence, it's entertaining, but it's shallow. At one point you will need a deeper knowledge of your being to life. When I read that, I thought 'wow'. Even my mum never gave me that kind of advice. Instead, I'm the one who give myself that kind of advice. But I do think what she says really makes sense. Book is the window to knowledge. Books shapes your mind, broadens your perspective, it really influences you in what you think, your opinion and most of all, it educates you in the most entertaining way (according to me) : by reading it. It helps to build your imagination too cos by reading,you imagine what the character feels, does, etc as if you're watching a movie but it is directed by you, you just don't do the script. Reading a novel and reading a comic is different. In comic, you don't need to imagine, you just read and it makes you become a passive reader. Not like reading a book full with text, you're forced to imagine. That's why I think it really helps to build your imagination. I used to read comic, in fact I liked it a lot. I stopped reading in in HS and in college when I try to read it again, I find it very hard cos I'm not used to it anymore. I'm so used to read text and imagine the stories I read and now when it's 'all-served' in front of me I feel it hard to 'chew' not to mention to 'swallow'. Get what I mean? Imagine it hehehe Anyway, about the TV thing. I don't watch TV. I don't like it much. Reading is my favorite and as dull as it sounds to some ppl (who doesn't like to read, or thinks that books get him/her sleepy) it goes the same to me when someone say,"I prefer watching TV." Dull. Watching TV and don't read books? Double dull. When I'm at home, the only channels I watch are CNN and MTV. I can't live without the two of them. I can't watch them in Bandung, but it's fine with me cos, I can live without a TV. With or without TV, I survive. But without books? It'd be a complete dull world for me. Sure, nobody beats that TV is entertaining. But as the mum says, it's also shallow cos it doesn't help you to develop your imagination. TV is good as long as it educates people. The same goes for book, it's good as it educates people. And these two, if they're used for wrong purposes, the consequences would be harmful. They, especially TV, influence people fast. TV's effect spreads quickly, unlike book, that takes time to spread the effect, but the effect lasts longer. So both of them, could be a dangerous tool to provoke bad things. That's why we have to be wise in choosing TV shows and books. However, above all, books still rank as the only source to knowledge. So don't stop reading, cos it enriches your life. For sure it is.

To Forgive...and Forget

I was hurt by someone I really care for, I was hurt and I was crushed. Our relationship goes up and down for all this time. Sometimes he makes me happy, sometimes he just ignores me. Sometimes I make him happy, other times I'm being cruel. I was very sad about this, I didn't want to hate him, to feel hurt because of him so I chosed to forget than to forgive. Then, tonight when I was about to sleep I read the bible and found out that today's reading is John 8:1-11 and it's my favorite. There's a story related to this reading in my Ziarah Batin book and with it comes the advice like this: "Anger, hatred, and harrasment harden our hearts. Are we willing to forgive those who hurt us for we ourselves have always been forgiven by God? Forgiveness... heals a wounded heart." Simple words with deep meaning and it touched my heart. Then I realized, that I should forgive him first, then slowly as day goes by I'd forget all the hurt that saddens me. It's not easy, to tell the truth. But we're all human, we make mistakes, we learn from our mistakes, but one should never forget that love that we have to other people is the willingness to forgive for every hurtful thing they've done to us. I've been hurt, but now I can say that I'm willing to forgive him and one day I'd forget all the things that caused me pain. May God bless us for all the hurt we feel and for all the willingness to forgive.

When the Journey Ends....

I read today's newspaper it tells about the death of Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, the founder and spiritual leader of Hamas who was killed by Israeli missiles right after he stepped out of a mosque after doing his morning prayer. One of the missile killed him in advance. Let's put aside the conflict between Israel and Palestine for a while cos it has happened for such a long time it'll take ages to know the source of conflict between two nations. What I'm going to say is that I think it was cruel and wrong to kill someone in front of a holy building, not to mention that he had just finished doing his prayer. It doesn't make any sense for me. Then again, killing never makes sense for anybody. I often wonder, some ppl are so afraid of death. I wonder what is it that make us so afraid of it? Afraid of not being able to see the world again? Afraid of losing important things in our life? Afraid of not being able to have what we had planned to have? Afraid of knowing the fact that we're going to die? Then again, when life ends with death, what's left for us? Nothing. Birth and death, they are a process that everyone will eventually have. We were born into this world without taking anything from our previous life so it is that happens when we leave this world we don't take anything either. From ashes to ashes, dust to dust. People come and go and they left their footprints in your heart. I didn't know what death was like until my grandpa died when I was 15. It was a great shock for me. I never thought that this would eventually happen to us, to have someone you love left you forever. It was like a routine, that he went to Jakarta and he'd come home soon, turning on his AC and watched tennis matches. That thought stayed for few days until it hit me suddenly, showing me the fact that he'd never come back. You might feel so sad for days but to know the fact that it happens to everyone makes you realize that in life, your journey will eventually ends someday. There is fate: if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen; you can't do anything about it. Each life is fated to have it's own journey. That's why you have to live your life to the fullest.

Some Respect to Pay

The pressure is up for two candidates of the future president of the USA. Who will win the election, Bush or Kerry? I just love reading articles about their campaigns, they're really supportive. When Kerry won his Super Tuesday Bush congratulated him in person. And what is good from them is that they don't stab from the back. And no corruptions. I found a funny comment about the two candidates that shows how different the two of them. According to German Stern magazine, Bush, likes to cite from the bible, Kerry reads Pablo Neruda (impressive...); Bush reads local novels (you know, when I read that the first thing that came to my mind was he read Danielle Steel's novels hahaha remember, America reads Danielle Steels), Kerry loves Shakespeare; Bush never reads newspapers and proud of it (you what?!), Kerry reads Le Monde (impressive impressive). Oh Laura, we're really worried about George hahaha!!! I've just found out from Ireng today that there is a chance The Passion of The Christ is not going to be played on cinemas. I knew it! I knew it! You'd like to know the reasons if it turns out to be true? Well, 1. Too sadistic. Oh come on, I don't believe it! I bet Kill Bill is twice more gory and sadistic than this movie. Besides, Indonesian loves sadistic things, what do you have to be afraid at? Pisses me off. 2.The most ridiculous one, that the movie puts Jews in a very bad position (cos they were the ones who wanted Him to be crossed. bottom line is that, they were the ones who were responsible for His death. The Jews protested but whatcha gonna do with that? It's obviously a true story. It can't be made up for some reasons!) oh give me a break, since when this country took a great deal of defending the Jews or Israel? Puhleeesss.... This is really not fair. I'm afraid the reason why Prince of Egypt couldn't be played on cinemas happen to this movie too. An ulema thinks that Prince of Egypt's story disgraces a belief. Talk about toleration and respect between religions, eh? *sigh* I really hope this movie could be played. I want to watch it in the cinema. But most of all, I want this country to have some respect in freedom of holding a belief.

Lessons...Learnt.

I got important lessons to learn today : 1.when you read a book, don't get carried away by your curiousity to know the ending of the story. It'll ruin everything! I borrowed an interesting book and in the middle of reading it I flipped to the last pages to read the ending and it spoiled everything, I almost lost my mood in continuing my reading. 2. Don't do something that makes someone uncomfortable. You've done it the first time, you've gone through the second time so don't do it again! 3.Discipline is the key word. Without it, you won't accomplish anything. To make yourself do everything you've planned for the day is hard when you can be easily lured. So once again, discipline, discipline, discipline yourself. It's the key word!

If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be

Today is the last day of my mid-exam! I've just finished my PO exam and I feel great for having done it. Well, I still have another test that is on Sat but it's Logika and I've done the quiz before so I'm sure I can brush up on it tomorrow, no need to hurry. Atit asked me to join her choir for Easter and I agreed. I like singing and I haven't sung in a choir since my senior year on HS so when I first got started I was so nervous and couldn't reach the high note. But for the 2nd rehearsal, I feel that it's getting better now. I regain the joy of singing in a choir again, it's all good ;) Sometimes...things in life happen unexpectedly. That is what you think. But I believe all things that happened to you meant to happen for your own good. You may wonder why God is being unfair in your life, not to grant what you wish for, etc. but I tell you, He's doing it to help you from being hurt, to keep you away from being dissapointed, to save your future! He has a plan for you and the plan is beautiful so don't you ever ruin it, don't you ever take the wrong path, don't you ever feel that He wasn't there to hear for your pledge. Always listen to Him, He knows what's good for you. Always be glad and be blessed for everything He has given to you no matter how bad it is. Remember, He made everything beautiful in its time. Tuhan membuat segala sesuatu indah tepat pada waktunya. It always happens to me, and I'm sure it happens to all of us too.